Processing

Jasper January 2026

For at least the last year I have been reminding myself and my family that the next 5 years is going to be shitty. Our dogs’ ages are 19 years old in March (Frank), 11 years old in May (Zayla), 8 years old (Jasper), and we think 8-9 years old (Freya). I can prepare myself for their deaths as much as I know how, but it’s never enough. It’s incredibly hard on me. Every. Single. Time. I grieved the loss of Neenah so hard I was still hurting after a year and sought a counselor to help me try to figure out why it hurt so bad.

Luckily we did not take Jasper into the vet and learn we had to say goodbye on the same day. That’s what happened with Neenah and the little Buddy cat. The last 4 animals we’ve lost were due to cancer and cancer related issues. CANCER SUCKS.

When I have to process something as difficult as losing one of my pets I turn inward. I will let the people I’m closest to know what’s going on and then I retreat. My preferred method of escape is to be in the woods somewhere and just walk for miles and miles until my mind has to focus on my exhaustion instead of my troubles. I’ve been using this method of processing for a long time, but only in the last few years did I learn that walking actually integrates the core principles of EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, with movement. When I walk, especially outside, the natural back and forth rhythm acts as bilateral stimulation and engages both sides of the brain, similar to the eye movements or tapping used in traditional EMDR. That steady motion helps me work through trauma, anxiety, and memories that feel stuck, but in a way that feels more grounded and less intense than sitting in a therapy office. It really highlights the brain body connection. Pretty cool that my body has always known what to do.

The morning we dropped Jasper off at the vet for the x-ray I came straight back home, loaded up the girls (Zayla & Freya) and headed into the woods. When I can’t make it to the woods I will play video games. It is mindless, but I have to focus just enough to keep my mind off of my troubles. This is usually when I’m alone. When Scott is home with me I “take to the bed”, as Leighann Morgan says. Resting, sleeping, watching TV, talking it out with Scott who is usually feeling the exact same way. His process is different. He wants to take care of everything around him so he feels like he’s doing something, anything to make it better.

So we’re processing. This isn’t “pre-grief”, it’s the real deal grief.

I try to look for the silver linings. Jasper doesn’t have to have the powdered supplements anymore. We’ve had to be very creative hiding and blending them into his food. He just hates them. So no more! He can stay outside all he wants. We were restricting movement to help him heal. His bone cancer will not be healed with rest. So no more! He will never have to have his toenails clipped ever again. We have had to put a basket muzzle on him to clip his nails. There have only been 2 times in 3 years that I thought he might actually bite me and one of those was while clipping his nails. So no more! No more slobber. Holy cow he has been the slobberiest great dane we’ve ever had. It gets on the windows, the furniture, the tv screens, the walls, me... I’m graciously accepting his slobber right now, but it’s not something I will miss. He doesn’t have to go through losing his hearing or his eyesight. He can eat whatever he wants whenever he wants and however much he wants. He normally eats 4 pounds of meat a day and I would feed him 20 pounds of meat a day if that would make him happy.  He is getting unlimited “cookies” right now too. Jasper has always been such a good boy about keeping his head (and mouth) off the counters, but I saw him clean up a spill on the counter and asked him if it was good. He will absolutely live his BEST life from now until the end.

Our sons have been dreaming about Neenah and Frosty, 2 really amazing dogs they grew up with. In one dream Neenah was running in the yard with Jasper and the other dreams have just been Frosty saying “hello”. I believe the spirit lives on and that includes our pets. I love that our pets are still watching over us and the pets that live in our home now. I believe Neenah and Frosty are preparing our sons for the upcoming loss. They are letting them know they will welcome Jasper when it’s time for the earthly goodbyes and also showing our sons that they are no longer in pain and Jasper won’t be either.

God sends me animals when I need them. I don’t go looking for dogs and cats to take in. God will send them and I know this. We had known about Jasper for 2 years before his owners allowed us to bring him home. We got the call to pick him up about 3 weeks after my dad died. God. He knew.

While knowing that God sends me animals when I need them, I understand that He will take them when He sees fit as well. He has allowed us “bonus time” and for that I will always be grateful.

How do you process the upcoming loss of an elderly or sick pet?