It's been a Week

Best Friends, Jasper and Zayla

It’s been a week since we said laid Jasper to rest.

I don’t believe there are 7 neat stages we have to go through to move on. I read a book a few years back about grief titled It’s OK That You’re Not OK. This book made perfect sense to me. Grief is not something to get over. It’s something you learn to live with. There is no deadline. No milestone you must reach before the hurting stops. I think every time I have to say goodbye to another pet it brings all of the pain from all of the other losses front and center. It’s almost like I have to relive their deaths.

One of the things that always surprises me when experiencing grief is how tired I get. It limited my hiking time last week. I took last Tuesday off just for that purpose and the girls and I went, but we didn’t go near as far as we usually do. I just didn’t have the energy.

My system is still catching up with reality. I talk about Jasper using the present tense sometimes and then in the past tense other times. I had a difficult time sleeping last week because I was still listening for him. If we heard his toenails on the floor we would jump up to give him help if he needed it. My system is still listening which means a light sleep, which contributes to feeling tired.

I haven’t managed to go one full day without tearing up or full-on crying because I miss his happy dane sounds, his intimidating bark, him throwing his head against me to show affection, his ears softening when he sees someone he loves, and just his presence. I’ve stopped answering honestly when people ask me how I’m doing. It’s easier to say “Pretty good. How about you?”

Freya and Zayla are grieving too. Jasper’s bed in my office was one of their favorite places to lay. Jasper used to complain to me when one (or both) of them would lay on his bed. “Make them move, mom!” He died on Monday and neither of them even offered to lay on his bed until Thursday. Zayla was the first and she didn’t stay there long. There were 2 beds I didn’t wash after he died so the other animals would be able to smell him if they wanted to. I think that’s exactly what Zayla was doing when she used his bed for a little bit. When we returned from hiking on Tuesday it appeared Zayla was looking for him. I think she forgot or was hoping he would be home. Zayla is chewing on herself a bit more than normal. I also feel like this is part of how she is dealing with her grief.

Life must go on. The adult children all went back to their homes, and back to their jobs. Scott went back to work and I have as well. It’s a little different for me since I work from home. It’s hard to see the empty dog beds, see his resting place in the yard, see his shelves still full of his food in the freezer, and not hear his bark when the girls are barking. I want to finish putting everything away and cleaning up slobber and his hair, but I just retreat to my office or bed or just leave the house. It’s not going anywhere. I will get to it when I get to it…when I’m ready.

I have appreciated the support many have given. During these times you really figure out who your people are. I guess the most callous reaction I’ve gotten is “I’m sorry about your dog” even though the person knew his name and chose not to use it. If you are reading this and don’t see how that could be perceived as “cold” our world views probably don’t align. Most of you reading this completely understand that your pets are your family. They are family members.

During this time I have to protect my heart, while reminding myself people deal with death differently. I need to have compassion for those people that say “I’m sorry about your dog” and be as grateful to them as I am to the people that send cards, texts, hugs, show up in person to make sure I’m ok, say “I’m so sorry about Jasper. I know how much you loved him”, etc.

Although he was only 8 years old and he only lived with us for 3 short years I am so grateful he was in our lives. They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. This is true but it doesn’t make saying goodbye any easier.

I don’t want to see all of my pets again one day.

I want them here.

Now.

All of them.